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Archive for April, 2010

Several of my friends have called me out for not blogging recently. The truth is I have deeply missed it. My world has been thrown into a whirlwind over the past 8 weeks or so. I wanted to blog but felt like I couldn’t be truly authentic about what was going on. So, now the announcement is out… I’m pregnant and about 13 1/2 weeks.

I think no matter how much you want to be pregnant, when you find out, it still throws you into a loop. I was shocked on that Sunday morning when the pregnancy test read differently than it had before. Just a week before, I had announced to my hubby when he got home, “Well, no worries. Another month down and I’m not pregnant.” As soon as I said it, I realized it sounded so harsh. It was obvious I was covering up my real feelings of disappointment. His response was, “Wait. Don’t take a pregnancy test so soon. Promise me you’ll wait a week.”

And so I waited. By the next week, I was in shock. How would it turn out? Maybe I’m not pregnant and there’s something wrong with my body. I thought of everything it could be. And yet, hoping it was none of those things.

On Sunday, a week after he suggested, I took the next test only to read the words “positive”. Excited, thrilled, scared, fearful…. I felt all of them.

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In the beginning, we weren’t telling anyone. In fact, I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it with him. He talked about the growing baby to me but I was so afraid to even talk about it. I’ve had many friends who have had problems within the first trimester. I was so scared of something happening. Our first doctor’s appointment was at 8 weeks. I was expecting to meet a doctor & put my mind at ease that everything was going okay.

Once again, I am not in control. At 8 weeks, they have you meet for an extended time with a nurse educator. I heard everything I had been reading about… what to eat, what not to eat, what to do, what not to do, etc. Her favorite words, “oh this can happen but that’s not going to happen to you.” I wanted to scream and say, “you don’t know that!!”. The truth is that I don’t know whether any of those problems will happen to me, I hope they don’t but how inappropriate to even say things like that to a new patient. (sorry, my pet peeve can you tell?)

I left angry & hurt because I didn’t know anymore ┬áthan when I went in.

I finally told one of my husband’s co-workers who said, “I can understand why you are nervous and anxious. You have to think about your health & the health of your baby. Your anxious thoughts are not helpful to either of you right now. Think about the positive things until you know you have something to worry about.” Her words were helpful for me to remember.

I went to the 11 week appt to meet my doctor. Immediately upon arrival into our room, she went to go get a portable ultrasound machine and I just lost it. When she walked back in, my precious husband was cradling me in his arms and trying to reassure me. She panicked, “What’s wrong?” To which I replied, “I just want to see my baby and know everything is okay.” She reassured me that is what she planned on doing. She was wonderful and spent time with us, talking with us about everything.

At the end of the appointment, Barry suggested that we might start telling people. I was still nervous but felt more relieved. Telling people seems to be an awkward practice of revealing something you’ve known for weeks. However, it feels so nice to know we have all these people in our corner cheering, praying, and hoping with us.

Thanks for being a part of that group….

Baby Johns at Week 12!

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Oh blog readers, I haven’t forgotten about you. In fact, I’ve missed you. There’s been a lot going on. I’ll be back soon. But for now, take a look at my reflection on this holy day.

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